The Bizarre Space-Based Conspiracy

You Won’t Believe

By @grassmonster

There exists, in a dank subculture of digital paranoia, a theory so baroque and ambitious that it could only have been concocted by the over-caffeinated minds of the chronically misinformed.

This theory – if we can debase the term thus – is known as Project OctoNet, and it deserves, at the very least, the full disdain of the rational.

What Is Project OctoNet?

According to its believers, Project OctoNet is a covert alliance of NATO military labs, Silicon Valley billionaires, and an alien AI discovered beneath the Antarctic ice. Their alleged mission? Launch thousands of invisible satellites capable of manipulating human behaviour via neurological signals pulsed from orbit.

The claim hinges on the pseudo-scientific concept of an “electro-biological ID signature” – a unique pulse supposedly emitted by every human and readable from space.

Once identified, these signatures are allegedly targeted with ULF (ultra-low frequency) beams to alter behaviour, emotion, and even voting patterns.

The So-Called Evidence

• Redacted patents allegedly involving “neurological broadcast interfaces”
• Sudden mass shifts in political opinion or passivity
• An obscure video file titled OCTO-PRM-V3.glitch, found on a Malaysian torrent site

As is typical in such theories, evidence is mostly found in forgotten corners of the internet, poorly scanned PDFs, and forums where punctuation is optional and logic is a war crime.

Let’s Examine the Logic

If satellites truly controlled our moods, would Liz Truss have made it into Number 10? Would we have collectively chosen to watch Tiger King during lockdowns?

The theory, when stripped of its techno-mysticism, is not terrifying but comforting. It offers the illusion that we are not responsible for our own inaction – that some interstellar cephalopod in orbit is to blame for our apathy.

The Real Problem

In an age of real corruption, surveillance capitalism, and algorithmic manipulation, it is almost poetic – and tragically ironic – that some prefer to blame a satellite squid rather than face the banal truths of our civic decay.

A Closing Word

There is no sky squid. No orbital nudger of thoughts. Just the cold, unvarnished truth: we are alone with our own indifference, and the real danger isn’t in the stars – it’s in our living rooms, our phones, and our lazy refusal to act.

Orwell might have muttered it best, ash trembling from his cigarette: “The real danger is not what’s pulsing from the sky – but what we’re too lazy to examine on the ground.”

Author: @grassmonster

#ProjectOctoNet #ConspiracyWatch #NeuroNonsense #RationalScepticism #GrassmonsterInvestigates

Legal Statement: This article is entirely fictional and satirical in nature. It is compliant with current UK law, protected under fair commentary standards, and does not promote or encourage false medical, political, or scientific claims. It is presented as humorous public interest critique.